Grace in the (Midwest) Wilderness

Bare heights of loneliness...a wilderness whose burning winds sweep over glowing sands, what are they to HIM? Even there He can refresh us, even there He can renew us.
~ Amy Carmichael

I moved here last Fall with a heavy heart and with hope in a Sovereign, loving Father who was directing my steps. 

My Presence shall go with you and I will give you rest. (Exodus 33:14)

I moved here just as the corn was ripening and the earth was growing brown and as the first splendor of Autumn was descending like a harvest angel over the vast, glorious landscape. 

I moved here in fear and trembling, an abundance of tissues beside me, not knowing when I would see my beloved family again. 

Just as the corn was growing ripe.

I moved here with a promise--

My Presence will go with you and I will give you rest . . .

And with the words of the missionary David Livingstone etched on my raw, bleeding heart--

God, send me anywhere, only go with me. Lay any burden on me, only sustain me. And sever any tie in my heart except the tie that binds my heart to Yours.

The Lord sent me here. I know that as I know that blood flows through my veins and that there is breath in my lungs. 

The Lord sent me here. 

Here with my two little ones and with my husband, here to do what He had called us to do so long ago, here through the pain to follow Him. 

Because I love Him more . . . because of His grace. And with trembling hands I have held out the sacrifice and then grasped it back and then held out trembling hands again-

If we hold tightly to anything given to us unwilling to allow it to be used as the Giver means it to be used we stunt the growth of the soul. What God gives us is not necessarily "ours" but only ours to offer back to him, ours to relinquish, ours to lose, ours to let go of, if we want to be our true selves. Many deaths must go into reaching our maturity in Christ, many letting goes. 
~Elisabeth Elliot

For Him to take and to give life.

In November, I inwardly shuddered when it snowed before Thanksgiving, when the cold crept in like the night overtaking the sweet glory of day. I wondered what the winter would be like.

Here. Alone. Without even a car for most of the week as my husband and I were sharing a vehicle. 

In a cold, drafty house, with two very little ones--would I make it? Could I do it? 

I couldn't. But He could through me. And I learned that 

. . . to be left alone is not always to be forsaken."
~George MacDonald

There was a breakthrough for me at one point as I struggled to find joy amidst ashes. 

One morning, a bleak, overcast December morning, this Scripture came to me with strength and power and hope as I prayed to the Lord for strength--like a spiritual whisper to my heart--

The joy of the Lord is my strength. (Nehemiah 8:10)

The joy of the Lord is my strength . . . hope, refreshment, life--as the Lord placed into my aching open hands the promise of His strength.

Joy with my children . . . joy with my husband . . . joy in Him . . . 

In Him, in Him. 

Grace in the wilderness. Where everything seemed barren and bleak--a wasteland where the reaped corn looked like jagged teeth standing crookedly from the snow. 

Grace. 

And one of the highlights of that year was attending the Christmas service at the church where the Lord mercifully directed us--singing the hymns, listening to the Gospel preached powerfully and with a pleading for souls, enjoying the sincere love and fellowship of other believers . . . 

My heart was filled with grace.

Grace through brokenness, grace through loneliness, grace through pain,

Grace in the wilderness because-

“Of one thing I am perfectly sure: God's story never ends with 'ashes.” 
~Elisabeth Elliot

And it hasn't. 

You might find me on these link-ups:

Strangers and Pilgrims on Earth, Inspire Me Monday, Literacy Musing Mondays, The Modest Mom, What Joy is Mine, A Mama's Story, Mom's the Word, Rich Faith Rising, Cornerstone Confessions, Mom's Morning Coffee, Raising Homemakers, Classical Homemaking, A Wise Woman Builds Her Home, Woman to Woman Ministries,  Testimony Tuesday, Tell His Story, Women With Intention Wednesdays, Messy Marriage,  Graced Simplicity, Children Are A Blessing, Imparting Grace, Thought Provoking Thursday, Soul Survival, Good Morning Mondays, The Weekend Brew, Counting My Blessings, The HomeAcre Hop, Mommy Moments Link Up, Grace and Truth Linkup, Faith Filled Friday, Tell It To Me Tuesdays, SHINE Blog Hop, A Little R&R Wednesdays. TGI Saturdays Blog Hop, RaRaLinkup, Word of God Speak, Booknificent Thursday, Living Proverbs 31, Sharing His Beauty Blog Linkup, Coffee For Your Heart Weekly LinkUp, You're the Star Blog Hop, Homesteader Hop, Fresh Market Friday

When You Just Can't Do It

HE GOES BEFORE! Be this thy consolation!

He goes before! On this my heart would dwell!

He goes before! This guarantees salvation!

HE GOES BEFORE! And therefore all is well.

--J. Danson Smith (from Streams in the Desert)

I didn't think that I would be able to do it, and I was right. 

Coming here, to a tiny town in the Midwest, moving away from everyone, everything that I held dear--

I came here weeping. 

I didn't think that I would be able to do it -- to be without the constant loving interactions with my family members in my day-to-day life--

Moving away from the home that I had called home for 33 years -- the home that I have lived in all of my life -- first as a baby and a little girl, then with my husband and children -- We lived with my mom after we married. 

I didn't think that I could do it. 

And I left with the physical ties cut, bleeding -- it felt like a death--

The death of the things that I love most, cherish most, hold the most dear--

Beloved family, beloved friends, beloved New England, beloved memories. 

To come here where nothing was familiar. To come here where people do things differently -- where the buildings and the houses and the landscape are so different. Where everything is farther apart, where I can't find all the familiar things that I'm used to. 

I didn't think that I could do it--

Do what the Lord had called me to do -- years and years ago, pressing a burden on my heart to begin a ministry here with my husband. 

And before I left, my little daughter curled up beside me on blankets on our floor -- our bed was packed, ready to go -- I took comfort in the closeness of her little person beside me -- close to me -- and I held on to the promise that the Lord had given me months before. 

That His Presence would go with me. 

My brother-in-law pressed a notecard into my hand as we left -- a promise written in his beautiful calligraphy--

My Presence will go with you and I will give you rest.

And I couldn't do it -- but God could--

He could do His work through me--

He could give me the strength that I needed to face changes and separation and uncertainty and fear.

Because He promised to go with me -- and He is greater than all of these things. 

Just before we made the decision to come here and the Lord opened doors in miraculous and unusual ways--

I was still pleading with Him not to go -- not yet. 

I was listening to a message given by Ravi Zacharias -- about the missionary David Livingstone--

The Lord spoke to me powerfully through it; his words pierced me--

Zacharias shared a quote from David Livingstone--

God, send me anywhere, only go with me. Lay any burden on me, only sustain me. And sever any tie in my heart except the tie that binds my heart to Yours.

― David Livingstone

The Holy Spirit spoke to me through his words -- Weeping, I surrendered my will to the Lord and knew peace.

I knew that He would go with me. 

And I went. 

The pastor at the church that we've been attending said this in a sermon recently, and his words touched my heart--

"The idea that God never gives us more than we can handle -- He does -- God gives us more than we can handle so that we can run to Him and cry out to Him, so that we can see His magnificence in it all -- when I am weak, then I am strong."

The Lord gave me more than I could handle. 

Called me to do something that I didn't think that I could do -- so that I could see His power worked through my weakness and know His sufficiency in it all and depend upon Him in my loneliness and trust that His Presence has gone before me. 

These months have been some of the most difficult for me and some of the most blessed. I have held on to His promises and He has held on to me. He has given me His strength and His joy -- an indescribable joy and peace in my heart -- through a Midwestern winter in a drafty rental house -- a knowing that I am where He wants me. 

Joy. Strength. Peace. Only because of Him. 

And when we surrender and feel like we are falling and losing and dying--

We find His arms beneath us,

We find our hands full of His promises,

We find His life.

As I keep explaining to my little daughter -- the trees lose their leaves during the winter so that they can be clothed in fresh new leaves and life in the spring--

Spring is coming.

And I know that I am here with Him, 

And He is with me.

You might find me on these link-ups:

Strangers and Pilgrims on Earth, Inspire Me Monday, Literacy Musing Mondays, The Modest Mom, What Joy is Mine, SDG Gathering, A Mama's Story, Mom's the Word, Rich Faith Rising, Time Warp Wife, Cornerstone Confessions, Mom's Morning Coffee, Motivate and Rejuvenate Mondays,, Raising Homemakers, Hope in Every Season, A Wise Woman Builds Her Home, Woman to Woman Ministries, Whole-Hearted Home, Testimony Tuesday, Tell His Story, A Soft Gentle Voice, My Daily Walk in His Grace, Women With Intention Wednesdays, Messy Marriage, The Charm of Home, Graced Simplicity, Theology Thursdays, Children Are A Blessing, Imparting Grace, A Look at the Book, Essential Thing Devotions, Thought Provoking Thursday, Count My Blessings, Christian Mommy Blogger, Renewed Daily, Soul Survival, Good Morning Mondays, The Weekend Brew, Blessing Counters Link Party, The HomeAcre Hop, Mommy Moments Link Up, Grace and Truth Linkup, Faith Filled Friday, Tell It To Me Tuesdays, SHINE Blog Hop, Faith and  Fellowship Blog Hop, Motivate and Rejuvenate Monday Link-Up, A Little R&R Wednesdays. TGI Saturdays Blog Hop. Totally Terrific Tuesday, RaRaLinkup, Word of God Speak, Booknificent Thursday, So Much At Home Link Up Party

My Reading List for 2016

The following are books that I *hope* to read in the coming year. I love to read, but having very young children has dramatically altered the amount of time that I am able to spend "behind the books." :-) And so this is not a long list, but it is a practical one for me at this time in my life. I am really looking forward to each one. Maybe you will find one among them that you might enjoy, too (pictures and titles are clickable links)--

How I Found Livingstone, by Henry Morton Stanley

This is a book that was given to me for my birthday. I love, love, love missionary/Christian biographies, and so this one has a special "drawing" for me, but not for that reason alone. This past year, I made a difficult decision that was painful and costly for me, only by the grace of God. At the time when I was prayerfully arriving at this decision, the Lord spoke to me powerfully through a message that Ravi Zacharias gave. In it, he mentioned the missionary David Livingstone and this particular biography. I won't go into much detail here, because I am hoping to write more about it later, but Livingstone's testimony deeply touched me and I felt compelled to read this book. 

Authentic Fire, by Michael L. Brown

This was actually one of my husband's Christmas presents that I mean to confiscate. ;-). As a very Conservative believer who holds that God still speaks (not primarily, but occasionally) through dreams, visions, and impressions upon our hearts and minds -- according to His Word and by His Spirit), I was very glad to see this respectful rebuttal of well-known theologian John MacArthur's position on this topic (cessationism). Through extensive reading of missionary biographies, the testimony of the persecuted church (especially in closed countries) and through my own experience, I am convinced that the Holy Spirit still works as He did with New Testament believers, in a living, breathing, active way. I am looking forward to delving into Michael Brown's position and examples on this topic. 

The Practice of the Presence of God, by Brother Lawrence

This is a short book that I'm hoping to include in my devotional time. Brother Lawrence's deep love and thirst after God comes through strongly in his writings. He inspires me to live a life more devoted to Christ through his example. The little "chew" mark at the top of the book? From a house bunny. :-) They can be very sweet pets, but also very mischievous. :-)

Streams in the Desert, compiled by L.B. Cowman

I began this devotional last year and am planning to continue it this year. The Lord has used these beautiful, Christ-saturated writings from older authors to speak to my heart deeply over the past several months. I'm looking forward to continuing with it. 

Outlasting the Gay Revolution, by Michael L. Brown

In light of the Supreme Court decision, this book really piqued my interest this year. I purchased the book and have been anticipating reading it. I love Micheal Brown's godly, gracious, unwavering positions, and admire his courage in writing on such a difficult topic. As believers we must be prepared Scripturally and spiritually to stand on the Word of God, even when it will cost us--and above all, our position undergirded with love. 

God's Good News Bible Storybook, by Billy Graham

I was so happy when our family received this book for Christmas! I try to have a daily quiet time with my young children, and had been hoping to find a new devotional for this year. This one is wonderful . . . We began it and my young daughter especially loves it (my son is still a little too young to express his opinions! :-)). The pictures are vivid and engaging and the devotion itself is deeply rooted in Scripture. Something that I also personally like is that the Scriptures are taken from the New King James Version, which is the version that I like to use, so that is an added blessing for me!  

And there you have it, my reading list for 2016. What are you hoping to read in the coming year? 






You might find me on these link-ups:

Strangers and Pilgrims on Earth, Inspire Me Monday, Literacy Musing Mondays, The Modest Mom, What Joy is Mine, SDG Gathering, A Mama's Story, Mom's the Word, Rich Faith Rising, Time Warp Wife, Cornerstone Confessions, Mom's Morning Coffee, Motivate and Rejuvenate Mondays, So Much at Home, Raising Homemakers, Hope in Every Season, A Wise Woman Builds Her Home, Woman to Woman Ministries, Whole-Hearted Home, Testimony Tuesday, Tell His Story, A Soft Gentle Voice, My Daily Walk in His Grace, Women With Intention Wednesdays, Messy Marriage, The Charm of Home, Graced Simplicity, Theology Thursdays, Children Are A Blessing, Mittenstate Sheep and Wool, Imparting Grace, Preparedness Mama, A Look at the Book, Essential Thing Devotions, Thought Provoking Thursday, Every Day Jesus, Count My Blessings, Christian Mommy Blogger, Renewed Daily, Soul Survival, Good Morning Mondays, The Weekend Brew, Blessing Counters Link Party, The HomeAcre Hop, Mommy Moments Link Up, Grace and Truth Linkup, Faith Filled Friday, Saturday Soiree Blog Party, Tell It To Me Tuesdays, SHINE Blog Hop, Faith and  Fellowship Blog Hop, Motivate and Rejuvenate Monday Link-Up, A Little R&R Wednesdays. TGI Saturdays Blog Hop. Totally Terrific Tuesday, RaRaLinkup

Flying to a Summer Land

The owner of the tenement which I have occupied for many years has given notice that he will furnish but little or nothing more for repairs. I am advised to be ready to move.

At first this was not a very welcome notice. The surroundings here are in many respects very pleasant, and were it not for the evidence of decay, I should consider the house good enough. But even a light wind causes it to tremble and totter, and all the braces are not sufficient to make it secure. So I am getting ready to move.

--Streams in the Desert

So I am getting ready to move. And though the pain of being separated from those we love seems unbearable, though the uncertainty and anxiety and fear and apprehension threaten to choke His joy from us, we know that to obey means to follow the One who leads.

So I am getting ready to move. And we become attached to people, to places, to memories, to countries to cities, to cherished things.

It is good that we cherish. Do not be fooled into thinking that it isn't. That because this life is temporal we should treat people, memories, traditions as less than what God created them to be -- cherished. The key is not to hold onto things so lightly that they fall into the cracks and become inconsequential. The key is to hand the cherished things back to God in surrender.

And that is when we truly receive them: a gift. A gift of life that will echo eternally.

So I am getting ready to move.   

This life is temporal. The places that we call home will not be forever. This truth hit me like a brick over the past several months. I am the kind of person who becomes attached to a certain way of doing things, to a particular chair, to a certain kind of food or exercise program and will stick to it for years and years and years.

But an event in my life, a prompting of obedience from the Lord pressed this truth into my heart in a deeply personal way.

It was painful. It was lonely. I knew His presence through the pain that I thought that I could not face.

And I understood the truth of Elisabeth Elliot's words--

Sometimes... fear does not subside and... one must choose to do it afraid.

Obedience involves the pain of letting go of things that a person thought that they could not let go of. It involves clinging to the One who requires it. Obedience is the child of surrender, and the two walk hand-in-hand.

But in order to obey, we must realize that this life is not what we live for -- We live for another world, another home that will never be destroyed or worn down or taken from us.

We live for a home whose Builder and Maker is God.

And He is our home. 

It is strange how quickly one's interest is transferred to the prospective home. I have been consulting maps of the new country and reading descriptions of its inhabitants. One who visited it has returned, and from him I learn that it is beautiful beyond description; language breaks down in attempting to tell of what he heard while there. He says that, in order to make an investment there, he has suffered the loss of all things that he owned here, and even rejoices in what others would call making a sacrifice. Another, whose love to me has been proven by the greatest possible test, is now there. He has sent me several clusters of the most delicious fruits. After tasting them, all food here seems insipid.

Two or three times I have been down by the border of the river that forms the boundary, and have wished myself among the company of those who were singing praises to the King on the other side. Many of my friends have moved there. Before leaving they spoke of my coming later. I have seen the smile upon their faces as they passed out of sight. Often I am asked to make some new investments here, but my answer in every case is, "I am getting ready to move."

--Streams in the Desert

A painful act of obedience to the One who leads will produce the fruits of righteousness. The fruit that clings to its hard casing will never be free to ripen in the sun of His love. We let go so that we may receive. We go, as the missionary David Livingstone spoke and lived, in the confidence that His Presence goes before us.

And if His Presence goes before us, fear is swallowed up in joy.

We leave homes, lands, possessions

For the possession of Him, Himself.

He is our home.

Our home is with Him. In that beautiful Summer-land of glory. Where every tear will be wiped away from our eyes and all the promises in Him are Yes.

So Jesus answered and said, “Assuredly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or lands, for My sake and the gospel’s, who shall not receive a hundredfold now in this time—houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions—and in the age to come, eternal life. Mark 10:29-30 NKJV

Possessing all that we truly loved. Possessing Him. Our eternal Home. 

The little birds trust God, for they go singing

From northern woods where autumn winds have blown,

With joyous faith their unmarked pathway winging

To summer-lands of song, afar, unknown.

Let us go singing, then, and not go crying:

Since we are sure our times are in His hand,

Why should we weep, and fear, and call it dying?

It's merely flying to a Summer Land.

--Streams in the Desert

You might find me on these link-ups:

Strangers and Pilgrims on Earth, Inspire Me Monday, The Modest Mom, What Joy is Mine, SDG Gathering, A Mama's Story, Mom's the Word, Rich Faith Rising, Time Warp Wife, Cornerstone Confessions, Mom's Morning Coffee, Motivate and Rejuvenate Mondays, So Much at Home, Raising Homemakers, Hope in Every Season, A Wise Woman Builds Her Home, Woman to Woman Ministries, Whole-Hearted Home, Testimony Tuesday, Tell His Story, A Soft Gentle Voice, My Daily Walk in His Grace, Women With Intention Wednesdays, Messy Marriage, The Charm of Home, Graced Simplicity, Theology Thursdays, Children Are A Blessing, Mittenstate Sheep and Wool, Imparting Grace, Preparedness Mama, A Look at the Book, Essential Thing Devotions, Thought Provoking Thursday, Every Day Jesus, Count My Blessings, Christian Mommy Blogger, Renewed Daily, Soul Survival, Good Morning Mondays, The Weekend Brew, Blessing Counters Link Party, The HomeAcre Hop, Mommy Moments Link Up, Grace and Truth Linkup, Faith Filled Friday, Saturday Soiree Blog Party, Tell It To Me Tuesdays, SHINE Blog Hop, Faith and  Fellowship Blog Hop, Motivate and Rejuvenate Monday Link-Up, A Little R&R Wednesdays. TGI Saturdays Blog Hop. Totally Terrific Tuesday, RaRaLinkup