Thursday, March 12, 2015

My Breastfeeding Battle with Pride

Congratulations to Michelle N. who was the winner of Ready to be Offered's first monthly book giveaway for a new copy of A Passion for the Impossible:The Life of Lilias Trotter! You have been notified by e-mail!




I nursed my daughter for over a year. 

19 months after my daughter was born, we welcomed a son. 

My body was tired. 

And I was determined to nurse him; it was the best thing for him. It was the right thing. 

I felt the pressure to nurse him--from my own conceptions, from the opinions of outspoken breastfeeding advocates, from some well-meaning friends. (And I do believe that breastfeeding is the beautiful and God-designed way to bond with and nourish one's baby if it is at all possible.)

I was determined to nurse my son. 

But my body was tired. I had had a difficult labor with my daughter, resulting in a third degree tear and a long healing process. 

I struggled to nurse my daughter, daily coping with extreme fatigue and the "shakes" in the afternoon, but pushing on. 

My body was just beginning to recover by the time my son came.  

Another difficult labor; I delivered my son naturally without the aid of any painkillers. He was turned in a posterior position (face down)--something that the midwife realized while I was in labor. 

The labor drained me and after I delivered my son, I couldn't stop shaking. 

An episiotomy and another difficult healing process. 

But I was bound and determined to nurse my son. It was the best thing; it was the right thing. He wouldn't bond to me properly if I didn't nurse him. We didn't have the money to afford formula on our extremely tight budget. 



I struggled to nurse him--for five months. My body felt like it was breaking down. Extreme fatigue from sleeplessness, the toll that the labor had taken on my body, having my babies "back-to back," all weighed down heavily on me. 

And on top of all of this, I had been waking up at night for months with extreme, debilitating pain in my left eye. 

My body was breaking down. I came to a point where even lifting myself up from the floor where I was sitting with my children became a difficulty for me. I lost more than half of my hair and felt like I was breaking down.

My mom continually said to me, "Why don't you bottle-feed him? Your body is breaking down."

But I stubbornly refused, trying to do what I insisted was best for my baby. 

Until the Lord stopped me in my tracks . . . the sleeplessness, the physical toll that my body had taken finally caught up with me and the condition of my left eye worsened. 

I ended up in the emergency room with a grotesquely swollen eye, that was so painful that I couldn't function. 

The doctor told me that I had "waited too long." I had a severe case of recurrent corneal erosion that needed to be treated with steroids and that would be, as he reminded me, recurrent

I need to put expensive medication in my eye every night and will possibly need laser surgery in the future. I will always struggle with pain in my eye.

And that was the point that my pride was broken. 

I slowly stopped nursing my son, transitioning him to formula. 

My strength slowly returned. Daily, I felt that I had more energy to pour into my babies, to be the best mom through the power of the Lord Jesus Christ that I could be. 

I wasn't breastfeeding my baby, but I was feeding my babies with myself, with renewed energy, renewed determination to bring them up in the ways of the Lord, not hanging on to my prideful insistence that breastfeeding was best.





It wasn't best for me. 

And my eye will always be a reminder of how the Lord humbled me. 

The Lord allowed my body to break so that He could teach me to listen to Him in every situation and not demand what I perceived to be best.

Like Jacob's hip, He weakened my eye, so that I would cling to Him in surrender---and as a constant reminder to my stubborn heart. 

And I learned--once again--that we can be holding on to pride in something that's good--

But as Oswald Chambers says, the good can be the enemy of the best.

And for me, in my situation, it was better for me to bottle-feed my baby. 

So that I could give all of my heart and strength into raising my children. 

So that I wouldn't hang on to pride; so that I would learn to humble myself. 

And now, my son, at nine months, is extremely attached to me--it wasn't an issue--

The Lord worked it all out for good.

He shattered my pride, weakened me so that I could be strong in Him. 

And trust myself utterly to His perfect wisdom in handing me His best. 






You might find me on these link-ups:

Strangers and Pilgrims on EarthThe Modest MomWhat Joy is Mine, Yes They Are All Ours, Missional Call, A Mama's Story, Mom's the Word, Rich Faith Rising, Time Warp Wife, Cornerstone Confessions, Mom's Morning Coffee, So Much at Home, Raising Homemakers, Hope in Every SeasonA Wise Woman Builds Her Home, Woman to Woman Ministries, Whole-Hearted Home, A Soft Gentle Voice, My Daily Walk in His Grace, Messy Marriage, My Teacher's Name is Mama, The Charm of Home, Graced Simplicity, Children Are A Blessing, Mittenstate Sheep and Wool, Imparting Grace, Preparedness Mama, A Look at the Book, Essential Thing Devotions, Count My Blessings, Beauty Observed, Christian Mommy Blogger, Renewed Daily, Soul SurvivalGood Morning MondaysThe HomeAcre HopMommy Moments Link UpGrace and Truth LinkupFaith Filled FridaySaturday Soiree Blog PartyTell It To Me TuesdaysSHINE Blog Hop, A Little R&R Wednesdays, TGI Saturdays Blog Hop



36 comments:

  1. We do need wisdom from God all along the way as mothers. Wisdom to do the right thing for our family. Thank-you for sharing your story. Your children are blessed to have you!

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    1. Thank you for that encouragement, Carol! God bless you!

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  2. Pride for what's good. Ouch. I have been there before.

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    1. Helene, your honesty is refreshing! Thank you for stopping by; have a blessed weekend! :-)

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  3. Beautiful post! Thank you for being honest and sharing your struggle with breastfeeding. Women need to hear that they are not failures if they struggle with breastfeeding. This was beautifully written and your message is wonderful. Pride can lead us to a path of destruction, but God is always good and will reward us when we surrender to Him. Have to share this one! Blessings!

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    1. Thank you, Haley! It was a difficult lesson to learn, but I'm glad that our Heavenly Father is merciful and patient . . . you are right--the Lord rewards us when we surrender to Him . . . thank you for your encouragement and for sharing this! Blessings to you, too! :-)

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  4. I know exactly how you felt in those months. I also tried breastfeeding my son and had to stop at 6 weeks because of the shakes, no sleep and deterioration of my body. The wisdom of God is better than anything, he know exactly what we need.

    http://deloracares.blogspot.com/2015/03/the-secret-lives-of-christian-women-how.html

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    1. Delora, your words encouraged me --you are right--He knows exactly what we need and His wisdom is perfect. The Lord bless you1

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  5. Powerful testimony. Thank you for sharing your story. We put so much pressure on ourselves (and others) to do things how we think they should be done - but in the end, we have to listen to our bodies and to God. What a difficult wake-up call, but glad you were able to make the needed changes before anything else worsened. Blessings to you!

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    1. Thank you, Kathryn! Your words of encouragement are a blessing to me! Blessings to you, also! :-)

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  6. These decisions are always so difficult. I'm sorry you were in such a difficult situation, and I am thankful God loves us enough to gives us not-so-gentle reminders when we need them.

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    1. Yes, so true, Jody! I'm glad that you visited; God bless you!

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  7. I'm so sorry for your tough struggle with breastfeeding! Everything in the beginning months is so crazy and stressful, I can't imagine how hard it was with some physical ailments alongside it! At the end of the day, you are a wonderful mama who truly loves and cares for her children. That's all you can control, mama, don't sweat the stuff that you can't control.

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    1. Thanks for your encouragement Jaclyn; God bless you! :-)

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  8. I'm sorry for your struggle, but what I see in this beautiful post as being the most important is how great your love for your son is. You can tell you truly care for him and want the best for him, and that will be what carries him through. Glad to find you at Renewed Daily!

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    1. Thank you, Kristi! Your words were an encouragement to me! The Lord bless you!

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  9. This is a tough one Rebekah. Thank you for sharing your story so that when we encourage things of motherhood, we keep in mind every situation is different. I tend to be a "breastmilk" pusher so your experience has humbled me as well. Thank you for sharing this at the Art of Home-Making Mondays.

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    1. Oh, thank you for those words, JES! I was so adamant about breastfeeding too, until I realized that the Lord wanted me to let go of my insistence that I would breastfeed so that I would have more daily strength for my babies. He truly humbled me . . . thank you for your gracious words--the Lord bless, you, JES.

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  10. Thank you for finding the strength and honesty to post about a truly difficult experience for you! I'm so sorry about your experience with your eye, but somehow I believe that the Lord will turn this difficult experience you've had into something much bigger and better than you can imagine. It seems the more difficult the circumstance, the greater the miracle. You are now doing what is best both for you and your children, and let God have the rest, HE will bless your situation! Love and hugs!

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    1. Thank you so much for that encouragement . . . you are so right--the more difficult the circumstance, the greater the miracle. Thank you for your words . . the Lord bless you.

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  11. I have both bottle fed and breast fed babies and I understand your conviction. Sometimes we set our hearts on something that really is to our detriment instead of going to God to see what he wants us to do, we are so often swayed by what we see as "right". I am sorry about the issue with your eye but I suppose we should never be sorry for the lessons God teaches us. Thank you for sharing your heart so openly and humbly, it has been such a blessing to read this. Thank you for linking up at Good Morning Mondays. Blessings

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    1. Thank you, Terri! Yes; I love the way that you put it--"Sometimes we set our hearts on something that really is to our detriment instead of going to God to see what he wants us to do, we are so often swayed by what we see as "right". So, so true--thank you so much for your encouragement--God bless you!

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  12. How soothing to my soul.... I too, have struggled with breastfeeding and guilt and pride and God is good to carry us through. Thank-you so much for sharing honestly. I could really relate. My first 3 babies came naturally and the next 3 all by C-section and it appears now, the 4th will be a C-section also. It is so difficult to let go of the outcome to the Lord. I always wanted all natural and now it appears it will never be so. I just keep releasing this to the Lord. May God bless you and continue to heal you.

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    1. Thank you for your encouragement and for sharing your struggle with me, too! It is such a difficult struggle--praying that we will both find His grace in and through it! The Lord bless you!

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  13. Thankfully we have a loving Father who will be persistent until He gets our attention--one way or the other. I'm sure not only are your you in a better place physically, but also mentally and emotionally, which makes for a better momma.

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    1. Thank you, Jenny! Your words were so encouraging to me! God bless you!

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  14. THanks! Beautiful to read! There is a wise lesson in it!!!

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    1. You're welcome, Jedidja! I'm glad that you stopped by; the Lord bless you! :-)

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  15. The Lord likewise humbled me through the birth of my firstborn. I so wanted a med-free labor but after a difficult first 17 hours, I did not have the strength to go on. I had to receive meds. It was really a big let down but mostly, it showed me how I was so concerned about what others thought of me. The Lord has a way of exposing those things, doesn't He? Thanks for sharing your story and for the encouragement. And so grateful you are part of Grace and Truth :)

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    1. Yes! That is exactly it, Arabah! So many times we (I) am so concerned about what others will think or insisting on my own way, that we can lose sight of Him--and then things spin out of control. Thank you for sharing those thoughts with me; I am grateful to be a part of Grace and Truth. The Lord bless you. :-)

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  16. As I read your post, I completely understand your struggle. Both, in my current situation of nursing my fifth little, and the difficulties I am facing, but also in your convictions. But the thing that stands out the most wonderfully to me is your transparency regarding the Lord allowing you to suffer in order that you might be brought closer to him, and for the good of both you and your family. This is a powerful and honest testimony, and a lesson that some wouldn't agree with or share. Yes, we serve a God who sometimes allows us to suffer, for our GOOD, and for the good of others. Christ is the first and best example, but not at all the first example in scripture. Thank you for your transparency. God bless and thanks for sharing at Motivate and Rejuvenate! #MotivateRMday
    Letetia

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    1. Thank you for your encouragement, Letetia! You are right--even though it's painful at the time, I'm glad that He allows us to suffer so that we are drawn closer to Him. God bless you!

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  17. I understand how this could drain you. You have to do what is right for you and that can change with each child. Every little bit of breastfeeding is of benefit to your child and if you have to switch to the bottle you just do. Thanks for joining HSH!
    Sherry

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    1. Thank you for that encouragement, Sherry! The Lord bless you!

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  18. I am so sorry about your eye and I understand how you got to the point that you did. I know it's not good but I have done the same ignoring what or how I feel in order to "do" for my children or because I don't want to incur more bills. Lately I have been feeling run down and having the odd pain here and there. My husband has been telling me to go see a Dr but all I can think about are the bills. I happened across your page to read this and it spoke to me. God speaks in all sorts of ways and I felt Him here. Thank you for that. ♥

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    1. Oh, Celi, may our Lord give you the grace, strength, and wisdom that you need to do whatever He is leading you to do! Praying for you tonight. I am glad to be your sister in the Lord; He is faithful.

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