A Knife Dipped in Blood~~The Deadly Peril of Pornography

This post is part of a series of posts on marriage/relationships. I pray that this "mini-series" would be a blessing to you! Please feel free to share any of your own thoughts in the comments; I would love to hear them! 


If you are new to this series, you can find the Introduction HERE, Part 1 HERE , Part 2 HERE, Part 3 HERE, Part 4 HERE., and Part 5 HERE.

Please Note: This post contains adult material that is not suitable for children. 

We use a most unfortunate idiom when we say, of a lustful man prowling the streets, that he “wants a woman.” Strictly speaking, a woman is just what he does not want.

He wants a pleasure for which a woman happens to be the necessary piece of apparatus. How much he cares about the woman as such may be gauged by his attitude to her five minutes after fruition (one does not keep the carton after one has smoked the cigarettes).

Now Eros makes a man really want, not a woman, but one particular woman. In some mysterious but quite indisputable fashion the lover desires the Beloved herself, not the pleasure she can give.
~C.S. Lewis

Lust is a poor, weak, whimpering, whispering thing compared with that richness and energy of desire which will arise when lust has been killed.
~C.S. Lewis

I can still remember a sermon I heard years ago from Dr. Charles Swindoll. I was listening to the local Christian radio station in the car and I had pulled into the driveway. He was talking about the danger of pornography. An image that he used cut into my soul in a way that made me shudder. I don't remember all of the specifics of the sermon, but one description stayed with me. He carefully depicted the way in which (I think that perhaps it was the Eskimos) would dip a knife in blood in order to kill a wolf. They would cover the blade in the scarlet substance, and then place the razor-sharp edge sticking up out of the snow. The wolf, hungry, would smell the blood and begin licking the knife. Eventually, as you can imagine, his own tongue would be cut and he would begin to lick his own blood without realizing it. In this way, he would feed on his own blood, ultimately bleeding to death and perishing in the bitter cold. 

Swindoll then went on to relate this story to the manner in which pornography slowly weakens and then kills the soul. 

Pornography. We think that it will feed us, satisfy us. But instead of nourishing, it actually accomplishes the opposite. It drains us of all that is true and pure and good. 

Sometimes it seems so innocent. A little taste here; a lick there. Until the stream begins to flow and we are strangling on our own blood. 

Pornography destroys. It crushes. We think that it is giving satisfaction, but it is really robbing us of that which is truly life-giving.

We live in a time when it is looked upon so lightly, laughed off, even--Oh, every man struggles with that--

But I believe that in not adopting a more serious attitude toward this sin, we weaken ourselves, we weaken our marriages, we weaken the church as a whole, and we become unfit for ministry in any way. 

We need to take pornography seriously. We need to kill lust in our lives before it kills us, before it kills our families, before it kills our souls and sears our conscience until it is dead. 

Our families are at stake. Our marriages are at stake. Our souls are at stake. 

You have heard that it was said to those of old,‘You shall not commit adultery.’But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell. (Matthew 5:27-29 NKJV)

 Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s. (I Corinthians 6:18-20 NKJV)

We may so weaken the voice of the Spirit in this area that we will be rendered spiritually useless. I believe that this happens in many men's lives (as well as women's) and this is one of the reasons that the Church is so powerless and ineffective today. 

These are three ways that I believe pornography damages and destroys and then ultimately kills the soul--I am sure that there are more--

It damages our marriages

Pornography kills romance. It deadens our own souls against the soul of our spouse. I know that some may disagree with me, but I believe that viewing pornography when one is married is quietly committing adultery against their partner. This is why the Bible exhorts us to "flee immorality." Because it is so grievously damaging. Besides hurting ourselves, it also wounds the ones we claim to love. The late Pastor Adrian Rogers said that once a man breaks trust with his wife in his marriage, it may take years to repair the breach because a woman's emotions are so sensitive. Many men feel that pornography is no big deal and that women just need to get over it. But I believe that it may be difficult even after the woman has genuinely forgiven her husband, to  easily "get over" her husband's actions. The sting of his deception and betrayal may remain for years and make it difficult for her to relate to her husband sexually or in other ways. This is one of the consequences of "soft" adultery. 

It damages our relationship with God

Pornography immediately places a barrier in terms of our relationship with God. The more that we view it and engage in practices associated with it, the more our hearts are hardened, our consciences are seared, and we deaden the voice of the Holy Spirit. 

It damages the church as a whole

Because we are weakened spiritually when we engage in viewing pornography, the church as a whole suffers. There is sin "in the camp," and so the church cannot go forward spiritually. I truly believe that this is one of the reasons for the weakness of the American church--unconfessed sin that is taken lightly and is causing our souls to rot in the blazing sun. Only true repentance and turning away from sin will bring cleansing and revival. 

~~~

Lust needs to be killed in our lives, not stroked gently, not hidden away and then taken back out, not ignored, but killed. 

Ultimately, feeding on lust shows that we are seeking satisfaction outside of Christ. We are discontent and that discontentment flows into the utter selfishness of taking that which promises to fill our deepest need. 

We are empty and so we seek a temporary fix. We fill our souls with poison and refuse the Great Physician who would heal us if we would only run to Him, run to the Self-Giving One who alone can satisfy us.

I speak mostly to men, but I know that there are also women who struggle in this area. 

I'd like to add a note here--the answer to a man's problem with pornography is not ultimately that his wife needs to fulfill him more sexually. It is true that a woman is biblically constrained  to join together with her husband (I Corinthians 7:3-5). It is also true that this becomes a joy when her husband treats her with gentleness and loves her as Christ loves the church and that it becomes a painful act of obedience when she is not treated that way. 

A man's problem with pornography is not ultimately the failing of his wife, but the failing of his own disobedience and failure to resist evil through the power of the Holy Spirit.

We need to take responsibility for our own actions and stop placing the blame on someone else--stop using someone else's perceived disobedience to give us an excuse to continue sinning. And we do this when we blame our wives (or husbands) for our sin when we feel that they are failing to fulfill us sexually. 

What we need is not an attitude of making excuses and of indulging the flesh, but an attitude of cutting off that which is causing us to sin. 

There is a scene in the movie Fireproof where the main character Caleb, uses a baseball bat to destroy his computer. He is struggling with pornography and realizes that he needs to get rid of that which is causing him to stumble.  His wife is not fulfilling him sexually (which he gives earlier as one of his excuses for looking at pornography). But then Caleb turns to the Lord in repentance and begins to treat his wife in a loving, sincere, and gentle way. It takes time because he has wounded her so deeply, but eventually his wife responds to him and their love is rekindled. 

There are times when we need to "cut off our hand," and nothing is too radical if it is causing our relationship with Jesus Christ to suffer and our soul to wither and die. 

Do you struggle with pornography? Repent, turn to the Lord and He will give you the strength to overcome it. 

I have read articles that talk about how the pornographic images that a man or woman sees may never be erased because of the chemicals that seeing these images triggers. 

I believe that this is true, hence the peril of exposing oneself to these images--but I also believe that the Lord is able to miraculously redeem all things and to remove our sins as far as the east is from the west. 

I believe that the Lord is able to refresh and restore marriages, hearts, and consciences that are seared when we turn to Him and turn away from that which is destroying our souls. He is able to redeem. He will redeem. 

So turn to Him. Turn away from the darkness and deception of self fulfillment and let your fulfillment be found in the Person of Jesus Christ. 

He is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all that we ask or think. He can cleanse and purify. And He will--to those who run to Him. 

.

This was a helpful article for further reading (clickable link).



You might find me on these link-ups:


Strangers and Pilgrims on Earth, Inspire Me Monday, Literacy Musing Mondays, The Modest Mom, What Joy is Mine, A Mama's Story, Mom's the Word, Rich Faith Rising, Cornerstone Confessions, Mom's Morning Coffee, Raising Homemakers, Classical Homemaking, A Wise Woman Builds Her Home, Woman to Woman Ministries,  Testimony Tuesday, Tell His Story, Women With Intention Wednesdays, Messy Marriage,  Graced Simplicity, Children Are A Blessing, Imparting Grace, Thought Provoking Thursday, Soul Survival, Good Morning Mondays, The Weekend Brew, Counting My Blessings, The HomeAcre Hop, Mommy Moments Link Up, Grace and Truth Linkup, Faith Filled Friday, Tell It To Me Tuesdays, SHINE Blog Hop, TGI Saturdays Blog Hop, RaRaLinkup, Word of God Speak, Booknificent Thursday, Living Proverbs 31, Sharing His Beauty Blog Linkup, Coffee For Your Heart Weekly LinkUp, You're the Star Blog Hop, Homesteader Hop, Fresh Market Friday, Heart Encouragement Thursday , Sitting Among Friends Blog Party

A Safe Place

Note: This post is part of a series of posts on marriage/relationships. I pray that this "mini-series" would be a blessing to you! Please feel free to share any of your own thoughts in the comments; I would love to hear them! 

If you are new to this series, you can find the Introduction HERE, Part 1 HERE and Part 2 HERE. 

Love is a command, not just a feeling. Somehow in the romantic world of music and theater we have made love to be what it is not. We have so mixed it with beauty and charm and sensuality and contact that we have robbed it of its higher call of cherishing and nurturing."

~Ravi Zacharias 

This summer, a sweet pair of house finches made their nest in my hanging basket. The basket was located just outside my front window where I sit and read books to my children, and so we had the delight of watching them through their parenting "journey." :-) From the beginning, I tried to protect them as best as I could, looking out for neighborhood cats, watering my plant gingerly around their nest, and admonishing my children to stay a distance away from the nest when we were playing outside. The parents hatched and fed four or five of the cutest little balls of fluff that you can imagine, and we had the privilege of observing the miracle. The babies thrived because they were in a safe place. A place of love and nurturing and warmth and protection. A place where they could trust that their parents could take care of them without fear. 

Years ago, I heard the late minister Adrian Rogers preach a sermon on how men can love, protect, and cherish their wives in the same manner that the house finch parents did for their babies. Since Christ and His church is a model for the relationship between a husband and wife, he brought up the passage about the Lord being like a mother hen who cares for and protects her chicks. Then he applied this illustration to marriage. He related a man's care for his wife to a mother hen who tucked her chicks underneath her warm body and protected them from all the dangers that surrounded them. A man is to protect and cherish his wife in the very same way. 

And I think about this concept of protection and warmth and closeness and safety and the house finches and the mother hen and Christ . . . 

A man who is walking with the Lord can be a "safe place" for his wife. 

A safe place . . . what does this mean? And how does it apply to marriages and romantic love and the general well-being of a home under the Lordship of Christ? 

This is how. 

If a man is walking in obedience to the Lord and treating his precious wife as Christ treats and loves the church--

A husband should be a place that a woman can run to with her fears and concerns and worries. She should be able to trust him to listen to her, to pray with her, to impart to her the strength of Christ and to infuse grace into her soul. 

She should never be afraid that he will make fun of her, that he will laugh at her, that he will belittle her, that he will brush her aside . . . And I'll add here, that sometimes as women (or men) we are concerned about frivolous things or worried about things that we shouldn't be worried about. I don't think that a man (or a woman) needs to "indulge" that kind of conversation, but rather, that he may lead his wife gently back to the cross, without making her feel "little" or "small" or "foolish." There is a balance. A loving man will lead his wife safely back to the cross of Christ, whether her concerns are legitimate or not. 

A loving husband is a safe place in relation to his family. We hear so many "horror" stories about relationships between a woman and her mother-in-law. Many are legitimate, and these situations need to be handled with grace and love, not with unbecoming humor and disrespect. A man can be a safe place in this regard by continually demonstrating to his wife that she is the love of his heart and that he will not betray her by talking about her to his family behind her back, by placing his relationships with them first, or by seeking his parent's advice over or before hers. There are so many problems in marriages that could be avoided if a man would just demonstrate gentle, consistent love in this area. I have witnessed situations where the family didn't consider the daughter-in-law a true part of the family, only an add-on. This can be so painful for a wife, and place an unnecessary rift in the relationship between her and her in-laws. As believers, we should be the first to recognize the incredible and beautiful "oneness" that marriage brings--physically, mystically, and spiritually, and hold one another in such loving esteem, that this should never be an issue. If Christian in-laws demonstrated this kind of love toward their daughter-in -laws (or son-in- laws on the other side) there really could be such beautiful, godly harmony rather than many of the situations that exist today. There is so much that could be said or written about this subject, but overall, I will just say that a woman feels safe, cherished, loved, and protected when her husband guards his love for her in front of his family and doesn't "demean" her or undermine their relationship in any way in this regard. A woman's feelings can be damaged for years by this kind of betrayal. 

A man can be a safe place by leading his family faithfully under the lordship of Christ. By holding family devotions and prayer in high regard. By especially jealously guarding his own relationship with the Lord, by spending time in closet-prayer and devotions that is not showy or forced. 

A man is a safe place when a woman can trust him with their children. He honors their mother and doesn't belittle her ideas or authority. He wants their spiritual good in every way and works with his wife to achieve that end. He entrusts their lives into the care of their Heavenly Father but also takes seriously and soberly his great responsibility to love and to nurture them and to train them up in the fear and love of the Lord. He shows love and admiration for his wife in front of his children, even when his wife is not present. 

A man is a safe place when he does not act flirtatiously toward other women or talk about other women with the intention of making his wife jealous or afraid for their own relationship. At the same time he does not make other women feel unimportant compared to his wife--a love that is mature and grounded and real will cause him to act kindly and graciously towards the opposite sex without flirting. 

A man can be a safe place by guarding his eyes from looking at pornography or any unclean thing. This is a serious, serious issue that I believe should be addressed more than it is. I won't delve into it too deeply here as I am planning another post on this subject as part of this series. But I will say briefly that pornography can damage a woman's emotions and crush her spirit in a way that nothing else can. That is part of the reason why there are such dire warnings against it in Scripture: because it kills with a slow poison and the results are devastating. 

A man is a safe place when he provides for his family. As far as it depends on him and as much as it is possible, he seeks their welfare and provision, just as Christ Jesus does this for His church physically and spiritually. In other words, he works--hard. He labors to provide for those he loves. He does everything in his power and by the grace of God to make sure that they are clothed and fed and taken care of. Will there be circumstances where this is not possible--of course. Sickness, or the loss of a job, or other circumstances and trials may prevent him from providing for his family for a time or indefinitely. The Lord views the heart. Does a man desire to provide? Is he wholeheartedly willing to provide if he could? Then he is a safe place for his wife because she knows that he is trusting in God to provide for their needs--and our Heavenly Father is the very Safest Place there is. 

A man can be a safe place by looking out for the welfare of the church. A man who loves Christ also loves the church--because she is the Bride of Christ! He wants to serve there in whatever capacity the Lord has called him. He wants to evangelize in order to bring more souls into the church. He loves to be present there--on Sunday mornings, at Bible studies, at missions events, etc. He loves the church and wants its good--because that behavior imitates Christ's. Growing in grace in this area also helps his wife. The more that a man seeks and loves the Lord and as a result, the things of God, the more he will love, protect, and cherish his wife--as she is a picture for him of the church. 

How a woman cherishes a tender, gentle, sensitive man who is a safe place for her! I love the example of Elkanah in the book of I Kings and his sensitive spirit towards Hannah, his wife . I love the example of Joseph and the tenderness and love that he exhibited toward Mary, even when he thought that she had been unfaithful to him. 

Men, we don't need a "macho" man who is constantly concerned about his appearance. We don't need an effeminate man who takes no leadership in the home. We don't need a dictator. We don't need a man who does not lead. We need a man who is like Christ--who is striving to be like Christ, not perfectly, but obediently and humbly. A man who admits his flaws and seeks forgiveness. A man who can apologize. A man who is continually dependent upon the grace of God. A man who is sensitive. A man who is tender.  A man who is real. A man who is gentle. A man who can be trusted in all of his relationships. 

A man who is, by the grace of God, a safe place. 

I don't know a woman who doesn't love and want to serve a man like that. 

A man who is gentle. A man who is real. A man who is a safe place. 


Note: On this subject, I highly recommend Dr. Adrian Roger's sermon series The Music of Marriage--it is such an encouraging series. 

You might find me on these link-ups:

Strangers and Pilgrims on Earth, Inspire Me Monday, Literacy Musing Mondays, The Modest Mom, What Joy is Mine, A Mama's Story, Mom's the Word, Rich Faith Rising, Cornerstone Confessions, Mom's Morning Coffee, Raising Homemakers, Classical Homemaking, A Wise Woman Builds Her Home, Woman to Woman Ministries,  Testimony Tuesday, Tell His Story, Women With Intention Wednesdays, Messy Marriage,  Graced Simplicity, Children Are A Blessing, Imparting Grace, Thought Provoking Thursday, Soul Survival, Good Morning Mondays, The Weekend Brew, Counting My Blessings, The HomeAcre Hop, Mommy Moments Link Up, Grace and Truth Linkup, Faith Filled Friday, Tell It To Me Tuesdays, SHINE Blog Hop, TGI Saturdays Blog Hop, RaRaLinkup, Word of God Speak, Booknificent Thursday, Living Proverbs 31, Sharing His Beauty Blog Linkup, Coffee For Your Heart Weekly LinkUp, You're the Star Blog Hop, Homesteader Hop, Fresh Market Friday

Sex, Bondage, Fantasy . . . and Embracing What is Real

I'm res-sharing this article that I wrote a few years ago and praying that it might be helpful to someone today. 

Note: This post contains adult material that is intended to shed light on a subject that has been on my heart for awhile now. The church as a whole is affected by it; marriages, families, women, and men are affected by it. The content is not appropriate for children. 

"You cannot drink the cup of the Lord and the cup of demons; you cannot partake of the Lord's table and of the table of demons. Or do we provoke the Lord to jealousy? Are we stronger than He? All things are lawful for me, but not all things are helpful; all things are lawful for me, but not all things edify. Let no one seek his own, but each one the other's well-being."

I Corinthians 10:21-24

“'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.'"

--Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

The Velveteen Rabbit has always been one of my favorite children's stories . . . In it, a little boys's toy bunny is loved "enough" to make him real. Real . . . a real rabbit--no longer a toy, a plaything. Love made him real, lifted him out of the realm of fantasy. Gave him flesh and bones and life and breath.

Love made him real. 

A movie. Hitting the box offices for Valentine's Day, the day of love, the day of romance and roses and marriage proposals and moonlight kisses and flowers. 

The day of love. 

This movie, Fifty Shades of Grey, descends on the public like a dark phantom, a dark phantom shrouding the message of real love and real sex and real life and real romance.

Where one man's sexual fantasies* take a garish diabolical twist--and real love is sucked up like ashes into the violence of a windy night. 

Everyone's curious, and everyone wants to hop on the bandwagon to taste the forbidden fruit, this forbidden fruit of hellish fantasy. 

A Cinderella story turned topsy-turvy and somehow twisted. Twisted and softly gathered into the slithering body of that deathly beautiful serpent of old. Enticed until we're slowly squeezed to death and the venom has gone to our hearts. 

Enticed by fantasy. Enticed by the forbidden, the unknown. Enticed by the promise of a more exquisite pleasure via something different.

Maybe we're just curious. 

And maybe we're not going to try the BDSM lifestyle, but are there whispers of it in our relationships? Are there whispers of it in our bedrooms, in the way that we approach intimacy, in the way that we relate to our spouses?

Some years ago, I came across a book that was written by a mainstream evangelical Christian sex therapist, Douglas E. Rosenau.  

In my spirit, I sensed that something was wrong (and I felt that he was much more explicit than necessary), but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. 

Looking through it again, I found the section that really troubled me. A section on Fantasy. Sexual fantasy--and in it, he recommended creating, acting out our sexual fantasies with our spouses--(i.e. an erotic encounter on the beach), and using sexual "props" such as garters, black stockings, feathers, and satin gloves.  

All of these things, when used with our spouse, have the potential to aid us in our lovemaking, he claimed, and to enhance our sexual experience. He asserts that sex is roughly 80% "fantasy," and 20% "friction." 

He writes,

Fantasy gives your imagination the opportunity to add variety within your marriage without the destructiveness of greener grass. You can go to Hawaii or the Riviera; you can make love on a secluded beach; you can enjoy all over again favorite times with your mate. 

One woman was curious about what it would be like to make love to a different man. What she needed, however, was mental variety and a better sex life rather than an entirely different man. She needed to remember that one body is pretty much the same as another. Her more basic curiosity was a special mood, some novel experiences, someone to touch her sensuality in deeper and more exciting ways. An affair may very well not meet these needs and would certainly destroy the honesty and trust of her marriage. If she was willing to work at it with her husband, she could meet her needs wonderfully with him." (A Celebration of Sex, by Douglas E. Rosenau)

. . . Fantasy gives your imagination the opportunity to add variety within your marriage without the destructiveness of greener grass . . . 

Fantasy . . . the opposite of Reality. So, if you or your husband is dissatisfied in your mutual sexual relationship, seek fantasy . . . seek fantasy, but seek it within the "boundaries" of your marriage. The creative possibilities are endless; fantasy is the answer to dissatisfaction. 

Is it? 

And how "far" should we go in seeking fantasy? What is permissible? Where is the "line drawn?" Especially if both partners are on the "fantasy" bandwagon together?

May I suggest that there is no "line?" That treading in the deep waters of sexual fantasy is actually working to destroy marriages, not to build stronger intimacy within them? And that once "fantasy" is sought within sexual relationships, deeper and deeper and deeper levels of fantasy will be sought after as dissatisfaction sets in. 

The rot of sugar in the teeth doesn't make the mouth sweeter, it only gives a person cavities--the decay of death. 

As the writer of this book clearly states, Fantasy is not Reality. He points this truth out, while at the same time endorsing "healthy" fantasy- seeking within marriage, where both partners are in agreement. And to be fair to him, he warns against manipulation and other unhealthy sexual practices.  

However, there is a difference between having intimate "fun" with our spouse and embracing sexual fantasies, which, I believe, is where the lines are "blurred," and the danger sets in. 

Because where does fantasy stop? And where does it ultimately lead? 

Someone might argue, "What about children? Are they wrong to use their imagination, to live as it were, in "another" world, in a world of make-believe, of fantasy?" 

But children fantasize so that they can learn to live in the real world, because they are learning to live in the real world. 

My little two-year-old pretends to make tea so that she will know how to make tea in the future--her "fantasy" leads to the reality of a future pot of tea. Her childish playing at making tea is not a diversion from Reality, but a step towards it. Reality is the ultimate goal. The opposite of this scenario would be a regression--an adult who already understands the "reality" of tea-making, and yet seriously pretends to make a cup of tea is regressing into an imaginary situation of his or her own mind, a departure from Reality. 

And what about fantasizing about your spouse? About the last shared intimate encounter? What about re-living that scenario in your mind and desiring further intimacy with your spouse as the result of those thoughts? 

The crux of the matter is this: when we imagine the reality of the last encounter with our spouse, it leads to a deeper reality (and there is no sin in that, taken at face value). When we choose to fantasize about non-reality (and then "insert" our spouse), it leads into deeper fantasy. 

Reality moves us towards our spouse; fantasy builds a barrier. 

When we seek fantasy, we are moving away from true intimacy, not toward it. 

In Christian marriages, (where a Christian spouse is trying in their own strength to remain faithful to their spouse, despite dissatisfaction in their marriage and sexual relationship) fantasy becomes a substitute for pornography, a substitute for real intimacy. 

Until that too, becomes "old." And what then is left?

The world seeks fantasy. The world grapples with the Real and because it doesn't understand Christ, it does not understand Reality. 

Because Christ is Reality. Christ is the Real--the same yesterday, today and forever-the most Real of the Real that there is. 

Christ is Reality. Life and breath and blood and sinew and bone. 

He is the I Am. And when we embrace Him as our Bridegroom and Lover and Friend and Savior and Lord, we are not embracing a fantasy, but the Reality of all Reality. 

We are His Bride. 

And His relationship with us is a model for intimate relationships. 

Our relationships must be real. 

Full of love, true love, the love that is of God--the love that makes all things Real. 

Fantasy . . . seeking an escape---seeking something "different," seeking the forbidden fruit in an already perfectly-satisfying Eden-garden of beauty and ten thousand delights. 

But in our sinfulness, we desire the fruit we cannot have--and in doing so, we violate the One who created us and the ones whom we claim to love. 

When we seek fantasy in our relationships with our spouses--we place a barrier to true intimacy. Whether we want to admit it or not, they are now held to the standard of "fulfilling" our fantasies. 


Our spouses become "playthings," toys for us to toss about according to our whims and fancy. Toys that have no real voice, no real flesh to flesh connection--no heart connection. 

Because Fantasy is a selfish attempt to satisfy in us what only God can satisfy. 

Only God can meet our deepest needs. Only God can heal us from the old sexual habits that we may have had before we were believers. Only God can cleanse and purify our hearts and minds and give us a true intimate, Real connection between our spouses through His redeeming work in our hearts. 

The woman who is dissatisfied with her husband doesn't need various and creative sexual experiences with her husband; she doesn't need to seek fantasy. 

And what if she fantasizes about a tan, chiseled, muscle-man and her husband is a 130 pound unsculpted computer whiz? The absurdity of the situation breaks through . . . 

If she shares her "fantasies" with her husband, how will he perform to her satisfaction? He may make a feeble attempt, but he will feel unloved and inadequate in the process (and constantly think that he doesn't live up to his wife's fantasy). 

Because she doesn't need to seek a fantasy; she needs to seek Jesus Christ. 

She does need another Man . . . Jesus Christ. 

The Man who will fulfill her deepest needs utterly and ultimately. The Man who will show her the greener grass of His presence and love and grace.

To bring healing and grace to her relationship with her husband . . . whether the lack of feeling she has for him is a result of her husband's treatment of her over the years and lack of true loving intimacy, or whether it is because she has a wayward heart and a wandering eye. 

She needs Jesus Christ to bring Reality into her relationship with her husband. The Reality of faithfulness. The Reality of perfect love. The Reality that drives out bondage and fear and dissatisfaction. The Reality that brings life. 

Fantasy destroys and distorts. Sex based in fantasy robs the intimate relationship of the Joy of Reality and freedom. Because when we are "Real" we don't need to "perform" for our spouse. We are free to be the men and women that God created us to be. 

Not human sex toys . . . not playthings. 

But beloved children of God. 

I asked my husband, "Can you imagine the Bride of Christ in a hula skirt?" (the sex therapist that I was referencing earlier had brought up a similar scenario in his book for spouses to build an intimate fantasy with).

"I'm trying not to," was his pert reply. 

And I can't. Because the Jesus that I know and love and worship seeks the best for His Bride . . . not a kinky fantasy . . . He is Real and loves. 

Loves us into Real life. His life. 

And the love of Christ pours breath into our hearts.

Not bondage to what is not Real, to fantasy.

But freedom--to love and to live. 

And when we embrace what is Real, we become who we are--sons and daughters of the living God. 


*Using the definition of sexual fantasy as an erotic mental thought of an imaginary situation that one desires to re-enact with another in order to derive pleasure; an escape from Reality into the realm of the imagination/creating an imaginary erotic situation and then inserting one's spouse into it. 

You might find me on these link-ups:

Strangers and Pilgrims on Earth, The Modest Mom, What Joy is Mine, Yes They Are All Ours, Missional Call, A Mama's Story, Mom's the Word, Rich Faith Rising, Time Warp Wife, Cornerstone Confessions, Mom's Morning Coffee, So Much at Home, Raising Homemakers, Hope in Every Season, A Wise Woman Builds Her Home, Woman to Woman Ministries, Whole-Hearted Home, A Soft Gentle Voice, My Daily Walk in His Grace, Messy Marriage, My Teacher's Name is Mama, The Charm of Home, Graced Simplicity, Children Are A Blessing, Mittenstate Sheep and Wool, Imparting Grace, Preparedness Mama, A Look at the Book, Essential Thing Devotions, Count My Blessings, Beauty Observed, Christian Mommy Blogger, Renewed Daily, Soul Survival, Good Morning Mondays, The HomeAcre Hop, Mommy Moments Link Up, Grace and Truth Linkup, Faith Filled Friday, Saturday Soiree Blog Party, Tell It To Me Tuesdays