How Much is Too Much? Discernment, Modesty, and the Value of Blushing

"But how few women today have such control over their tongues or emotions, as my mother did, pondering holy things in their hearts, without blabbing about them, without telling 'three hundred of their closest friends.' We overshare today, more than people need to know, not discerning those things we should rightly regard as precious and holy before God."
~Valerie Shepard (speaking about her mother, Elisabeth Elliot)

Recently, I came across a quote that spoke volumes to me and I found myself inwardly nodding and agreeing with the wisdom of its words. I wanted to share some insights based on that quote with you . . . It's the one above. It's a quote taken from Valerie Shepard's recent book detailing her mother Elisabeth Elliot's and her father Jim's correspondences to one another. I've been helped in my spiritual walk by Elisabeth Elliot since I was a teenage girl; she has so much Biblical, excellent advice for women (and men as well). 

We have come to a place in the Christian and secular world where we are prompted to share everything. Nothing needs to be a secret. Nothing is sacred. 

Social media has enabled this; we all have a "platform;" and this is not in and of itself a "bad" or wrong thing. Social media gives us an opportunity to share the Gospel, to direct people toward resources that will encourage their souls. It allows us to connect with one another, even though it often encourages those connections to be on a shallow level. But again; there is nothing wrong in and of itself with "connecting" with people and sharing our faith, ideas, and convictions with one another. 

The problem comes when social media becomes a place to share and air all of our emotions, impulses, cares and fears unhinged--in a way that either draws attention to oneself or that shows a lack of modesty or discretion. The problem comes when we have not put whatever it is that we are going to share through the filter of the Holy Spirit directing each of our steps. 

Do our "friends" really need an excess of  updates on how we are spending our time, raising our children, preparing our meals, relating to our husbands, eating, exercising, listening to music, and the list goes on? We have to ask ourselves honestly--is this "sharing" helping or hindering our spiritual walk? 

Sometimes it may help. There are times (and the Lord gives us discernment to understand when) sharing about our personal experience or about some detail in our lives may help another believer. If you have a freedom from the Holy spirit to share a detail about your personal life, by all means, go ahead and obey His prompting. But before we share, let's ask ourselves, in our own conscience before God, is this necessary? Am I sharing this detail to draw attention to myself or to the Lord? Am I sharing this detail in order to help another believer in their walk with the Lord or to elevate myself? Am I sharing this detail in order to preach the Gospel through my life or am I distracting other believers away from the Gospel? We have to ask ourselves these questions before we hit that "share" button. 

Again, some sharing is good--asking for recommendations from other believers, seeking others to pray about a political or personal situation, photos of your family within reason if you have the liberty from the Holy Spirit to do that, sharing a Scripture or a quote that encourages others in their faith, a funny meme that lightens the mood of a difficult situation or that brings a smile to someone's face on a hard day--these and other things may all be used or prompted by the Lord for good. 

But there is a severe and mind numbing lack of discretion among Christian women (and men) today in terms of what and how much we have come to feel comfortable sharing on social media. Again; the problem is not the sharing--it is the what and the how much. Let no one misunderstand me--what I am not saying is that a person can never share about their lives on social media, but do we really need to share so much? So much that it seems to be the focal point of many people's lives? So much that we know more intimate details about virtual strangers than the people closest to us? 

Friends, there is a lack of discernment. 

Lately, I've been appalled, truly, by people sharing publicly in forums with both men and women married and unmarried, intimate details about their romantic lives with their spouses. These details might be appropriate in a private group of married women, but in a public forum where virtually anyone may be party to the information provided, this shows a serious lack of Biblical discernment. 

We have begun to trample sacred things. We are forgetting how to blush. We are placing our precious jewels on the common tables of the public marketplace and selling them cheaply. 

There are details about how you and your husband express intimacy that the whole world need not know--truly. Apart from a marriage book on physical intimacy that is labeled as such, there are details that are not appropriate to share between a mixed audience. 

This kind of "sharing" cannot please God. It cheapens our Christian witness and compromises the beautiful feminine mystique that God has given to women. 

To be honest, I feel uncomfortable with some of the "kissing" pictures that I see~~I have no problem with a sweet photo of a husband and wife, but some of the more "suggestive" ones have made me question the "sharer's" discernment. Why does the world need to see (in a very intimate way--sometimes with--usually the woman--posing in a sexual manner in front of other men who are not her husband) how you and your husband express that kind of affection toward one another? 

Consider the women of God in the Scriptures--Sarah, Rebekah, Esther, Mary--women who conducted themselves with incredible dignity, grace, and discretion, who quietly lived without directing any focus upon themselves. Rather, their focus was upon God; their hearts were caught up in serving their husbands and children and in reaching out to those around them with kindness and love. Their focus was not "me-centered" but Christ-centered. Consider their lives and examples. Mary alone is an excellent example of modesty, mystique, and discretion--after the birth of Jesus, she did not "blab" about everything that happened; rather, she pondered in her heart.

How often do we do that? How often do we merely ponder in our hearts the things that the Lord is showing and teaching us? Why do we feel the need to share all the little intimate details of our souls with the world at large? Some things should be kept quiet, sacred, carefully cherished. Mary understood this; do we? 

How much is too much? In this world of social media and sharing, how much is too much? There is no specific answer. Each person individually must make that decision in their conscience before God; we answer to God alone and will give an account for the witness that we showed and the way that we used the precious time that He gives us. 

A few years ago, I felt the Lord speaking to my conscience (and this was an individual decision that would not apply to everyone--it was just the way that the Lord spoke to me personally) not to share pictures of my children on social media anymore. I felt in my heart that all of the "showing" needed to be spent living and loving them for their soul's good and that it was a potential distraction for me to post pictures of my little ones. It is of course, not wrong to put pictures of your children on social media and I enjoy seeing the photos that others post; I just have a problem with the excess of it to the exclusion of other things and believed that the Lord was leading me personally in this way; it helps me to focus on the Lord without that added distraction. 

I'm thankful for the many women and men who do model discernment . . . they have been an encouragement to me to seek the Lord and to be careful about what and how much I share on social media. There are many women and men who use social media for good~~and  it can certainly be used for good. It can be a means to share the Gospel. It can be a means to connect with family and friends. It can be a means to share how the truth of God and His Word are impacting a person's life. And the list goes on. I know many women and men who use social media with care and discernment and these people are a blessing and an encouragement to me. 

How is the Lord leading you, friend? Allow Him to come into your secret places, like water running clear--we are often free to let other people come into these places, perhaps even complete strangers--social media allows us to do that--but not our Heavenly Father! 

We need to be washed afresh with the holy wisdom of God's Word. We need to hold things as precious and sacred rather than shouting them all the time from the rooftops and blabbing them in public forums. We need to kneel quietly before God and ponder alone all that He has done for us. I need to do this; you need to do this. May His Spirit teach us and soften our hearts. And may He give this generation of women the gift of discernment and discretion. That His Gospel may be spoken through our lives day by day--to the glory of God and to the saving of souls.  








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Esther, Delilah, and the Power of a Woman

Note: This post is part of a series of posts on marriage/relationships. I pray that this "mini-series" would be a blessing to you! Please feel free to share any of your own thoughts in the comments; I would love to hear them! 


If you are new to this series, you can find the Introduction HERE, Part 1 HERE , Part 2 HERE, and Part 3 HERE.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our Pastor has been going through the book of Esther on Sunday mornings. I've really been enjoying this series and it has prompted me to think about the character of Esther  
and her flint-like obedience to God's direction in her life at any cost. 

I remember a film that I watched years ago about Queen Esther. I was so disappointed in it because instead of portraying Esther as a beautiful woman strong in conviction and in her God, she was portrayed as flimsy, overly-girly, and trite--characteristics that I never imagined in a woman willing to risk her life to save her people. 

Esther, the biblical Esther, was a strong woman, a beautiful woman, a woman of hope and grace, a woman who stood firm in the greatest difficulty. 

There is strength in gentleness and true conviction. There is strength in obedience and trust in God. There is strength in waiting and prayer and quietness and then finally, action. 

Esther displays all of these virtues in a beautiful, mysterious way. She captivates the king not only with her physical attractiveness, but with her gentle, quiet spirit. She also captivates the king with her strength of character and willingness to place her own life in danger to save her people. 

In other words, she feared Almighty God more than the King of Persia. What an example to us. 

Esther's people, the Jews, were in grave danger. Their lives were threatened by a wicked man, Haman, who wanted to completely and Satanically, obliterate them. 

And so Esther, in a position of power, was called upon. With dignity, grace, and determination, she accepted the plea of her Uncle Mordecai to approach the king and to plead for the lives of the Jewish people. 

She went to the king, risking her own life.

And then, Queen Esther used no manipulation, no formula, no pouting or whimpering or beating around the bush when she made her argument. She refused to grovel. 

She sensitively laid out her case, using the means of fasting and prayer, showing that her trust was ultimately in God, not in an earthly king. 

There is a mystical, spiritual power behind a woman whose hope is in the Lord. And that power is the Holy Spirit, alive and working in and through her to accomplish the will of the Father.

The man heard Esther. Both kings, Heavenly and earthly, stooped to her plea. 

Esther and her people were safe. 

The will of the Father was accomplished. Her people were saved and the enemy vanquished. 

There is something to be said here also for King Xerxes. He could have ignored Esther. He could have pridefully refused to hear her. But he didn't; his heart was moved--the work of the Father God and his own willingness to listen to a woman offering him wisdom. I believe that the beauty of Esther's spirit had softened his heart--and this was all orchestrated by the Lord. But he could have chosen not to be softened. 

And I speak to the woman here who thinks--but I've done that! I've tried to walk with the Lord in dignity and honesty and trust. Not perfectly, but in obedience to the Father. I've tried to walk with the Lord as Esther did, and my husband still will not listen to me when I offer him wisdom.

The only answer here is that there is no guarantee. There is no guarantee that a husband will listen.  And this is where our relationship with Jesus Christ comes before even that most intimate relationship with our husband. Because Christ is our Heavenly Husband --and our ultimate aim must be to please Him, leaving our husband's heart in His hands and moving forward with the Lord in obedient trust and walking uprightly with the Father. Even if he will not listen. The Lord will honor your obedience, as painful as that situation is . . . 

Another strong woman comes to mind. 

The woman Delilah--the woman partly responsible for Samson's downfall and shame. The woman whose honey-lips and tantalizing perfume lured Samson to his demise. The woman who stole Samson's heart away from his Heavenly Father for a season. 

The woman who Samson just could not resist . . . and yet, could have, had he made different choices leading up to her betrayal. 

Delilah used her female charms to pull the so-called "wool" over Samson's eyes, to shroud his heart and to dampen his discernment and resolve. 

We are often "hard" on Delilah, but sometimes I wonder if she did what she did partly out of fear. Was her own life threatened by bloodthirsty Philistines who wanted nothing but Samson's utter downfall? They knew of her intimate connection with Samson and were probably threatening Delilah's life--perhaps that of her family, too. 

It is natural to act out of fear when our hope is not in God. 

So, although this does not excuse Delilah's actions, we may certainly relate to them . . . 

How did Delilah get what she wanted? Through careful manipulation. 

The difference between Esther and Delilah is extremely important to note--and this can be so helpful to us in our relationships with our husbands and in general. Delilah acted insincerely, underhandedly, deceitfully. Esther acted sincerely, transparently, with complete honesty and openness. 

Esther's dependence and hope were in God--not in her beauty, not in the power of her words, not in her power to manipulate the king in any way, but ultimately and utterly, in God. 

Whether she lived or died. Whether her husband thought well of her or not. Whether she pleased him ultimately or not.

Her hope and strength were in God. 

Delilah's dependence was upon the opposite--upon herself--upon her own powers of manipulation. She used every female "trick" she could muster--whining, pouting, sex, employing her attractiveness and allurement to deceive and destroy. She acted out of selfishness and fear, with no real love in her heart for the man that she gave herself so completely to (and yet, didn't). 

Many men can be won in this way. There is a Satanic power behind deceit and manipulation and using sex as a tool to "encourage" a man to do what we want them to do. 

But this is not the way of Jesus. 

Someone may think, "Well, didn't Esther also manipulate her situation in some way? She dressed as attractively as possible in order to persuade the king and to present her case, she prepared elaborate banquets for him to enjoy and tried her best to ensure that the mood was right for her to address him--isn't that manipulation?"

But the key difference between Esther and Delilah's methods is that Esther didn't use deceit to hide her real motives. Esther was open and honest with no trace of deceit. Delilah's motives were carefully concealed. 

There is a difference in manipulating a situation and being wise in the way that you present something. Was it wise for Esther to make sure that she looked as lovely as possible and anoint herself before going in to see the king? Of course. She wanted to show him how serious she was, how much she respected his authority and kingship. She wanted to make herself pleasing to him in order to present the truth, whereas Delilah made herself pleasing in order to feed a lie to Samson for her own gain. Esther used her beauty and careful approach in order to soften the king's heart, not in order to deceive him. 

The Lord used Esther's beauty and gentle, determined character to touch the heart of the king. 

There is a difference between wisdom and manipulation.  Ultimately, Esther's hope and trust were in God, and in His power and ability to move the heart of the king, not in her own resources of beauty and charm. Delilah relied upon herself, her powers of manipulation, and her ability to move a man's heart in the direction that she wanted it to go. 

Esther's spirit reflected truth and submission to God, whereas Delilah's reflected hidden motives and deceit--the very opposite.

I have read marriage advice--and it has so deeply disturbed me--from respected Christian sources that basically encourage women to manipulate their husbands. 

Treat your husband a certain way and he will love you. 

Use such and such a formula and your marriage will thrive.

Crown your husband king and he will make you his queen. 

It is never from the Lord to manipulate a situation, to attempt to turn a situation in our favor in our own strength apart from the Lord.

We do this in tiny and in great ways in our marriages--and I believe that it always produces frustration or complacency (in a man who knows he's being manipulated but doesn't want to make waves and so allows himself to be manipulated). 

Manipulation never produces that true and lasting peace and contentment that stems from trust in a great and merciful Savior. 

We want a situation to change so badly and we fall prey to advice, even from Christian marriage books.

But the truth is that manipulation only works temporarily and at best produces a false peace and security.

As women, it is so easy to fall prey to the temptation of using manipulation to get what we want. 

The difficult path is waiting on the Lord, as Esther did, trusting in His power and timing--relinquishing our fears into His all-loving hands. 

He is able to turn the heart of the king, to sustain us, to deliver. 

How should we interact with our husbands based upon the examples of Esther and Delilah?

With sincerity, with openness and honesty--prayerfully, our hope and trust in God. 

Not using manipulation or female charms to deceive and distract. 

With honor and dignity, trusting the love of the One who honors those who honor Him. 


Please join me for the next post, which is closely related to this one, next week. The Lord willing, I'll be dealing more in depth with the issue of women who are married to men who are not believers or men professing to be Christians but who are walking in their own way apart from the Lord and how we should respond to that difficulty. 









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Swimsuits, Sports Illustrated, and the Safest Place

When God speaks, oftentimes His voice will call for an act of courage on our part.

~Charles Stanley

Courage is contagious. When a brave man takes a stand, the spines of others are often stiffened.
~ Billy Graham

My husband and I were nearing the end of a Wal-Mart shopping "adventure" :-) with our almost-two-year-old and three-year-old. The end was in sight, and the checkout line awaited our happy souls, glad to be preparing for our "final descent" and entrance back into the sunlight. 

When I saw it. Staring at me from the end of the checkout line. The notorious Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, and as my husband with his quirky humor aptly described it -"There was a whole lot of swim, but not very much suit." 

I'm used to seeing tabloids with voluptuous figures emblazoned across the front gracing the checkout lines of our "liberated" society, but this one was over the top - and something that children should not be exposed to. My first reaction was to hurriedly place a seemingly less "toxic" magazine across the front of the Swimsuit issue, but then I thought twice about it. 

I am not by nature a bold person. But there are times when the "fire enters my bones," so to speak, and I feel that the Holy Spirit is urging me not to remain silent. As a customer of Wal-Mart, I should be able to express an opinion or voice a concern - as a follower of Jesus Christ, I should be willing to step out of my comfort zone and speak the truth in a loving fashion, even if it is not welcomed or appreciated, even if it is ignored or if I am laughed at -  and so I did. 

Taking the whole stack up to the cashier, I asked him respectfully if this was something that he would want his children to see, explaining that these types of magazines are usually covered or placed in a separate "non-child-friendly" aisle. Surprisingly, he seemed to agree, or at least acquiesce, assuring me that he would voice my concern. My husband took a step further, expressing our concern to one of the managers of the store, who also seemed to agree that the magazines should be covered or kept out of the view of children. 

I honestly doubted that anything would come of it. I would just have to keep covering up the offending Sports Illustrated issues with Good Housekeeping magazines whenever I exited Wal-Mart. 

But the next time we shopped there, they were gone - the management must have taken our concern to heart and covered them or placed them in a less conspicuous place, at least. 

It was worth it to "speak up; " we did it kindly  and we did it graciously, and the Lord touched the hearts of the management. 

And this experience reiterated to me the importance of speaking the truth in love, of living out our faith in Christ through our daily actions and interactions with unbelievers, and with slowing down our pace enough to be concerned about the direction that the world is going--because it will surely impact the future of our children. 

Because as Christians we should care - and no, we should not be worried, not be consumed, not be taken up in cultural issues in the sense that we forget that this world is not our home, but we have a responsibility. 

To our children, to our fellow humans, to our God - to preserve truth as much as it depends upon us - to speak when we are given the opportunity, to dam up the floods of ungodliness before their toxic waste overpowers the culture utterly and completely and irrevocably. Do we care enough?

How can we be silent who hold the truth? In the face of evil, how can we remain silent? 

Our pastor is preaching through the book of Esther, and I think of Mordecai's words to his cousin that he recently preached on -

For if you remain completely silent at this time, relief and deliverance will arise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father’s house will perish. Yet who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” (Esther 4:14 NKJV)

Esther's response - prayer, fasting, and - ultimately - boldly speaking the truth.

The result was deliverance. Life. 

If we remain utterly silent, will our consciences perish with the culture? Will we remain unscathed? Can we know God in truth if we are ashamed to speak it? Do we even care enough to pray about the issues impacting our culture...?

These are questions that I must ask myself. 

I have heard Christians say or infer that their calling is not to offend, only to connect with others on issues that are edifying. 

But I say this boldly -- truth is edifying -- truth spoken in love and with grace and with a good conscience before God edifies and revives and ultimately brings life instead of the lukewarm waters of death.

You may lose "followers" on your blog. You may lose friends. You may lose popularity.

Do we realize that there are believers in other countries who lose their lives for the sake of truth? 

What is Christ worth to us? Do we love Him even enough to warn those around us? To protect our children, our families, our own souls? 

Are we willing to speak truth? 

And we think that we will have to go out on a limb and risk it all if we really take Christ seriously. And we are afraid. We are afraid of losing our comfort, our friends, our life as we know it. 

It seems unsafe.

And yet, following Jesus Christ is the safest place. The place where the rock meets our feet, the unsinkable sand, the Refuge, and the Retreat of our hearts. 

For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul? (Matthew 16:25-26 NKJV)

All other ground is sinking sand. All other gain is loss. 

And sometimes we're just too caught up in the cares of this life to care - the vacations, the luxuries, the comforts... until we surrender all -

As He did - the One Who is the Way, the Truth, and the Life -

The Truth sets us free. 

And speaking it in love is life. 

May we find it - and rest for our souls - in His Safe Place, the place of life. 

But we never can prove

the delights of His love,

Until all on the altar we lay;

For the favor He shows,

And the joy He bestows,

Are for them who will trust and obey.

Then in fellowship sweet

We will sit at His feet,

Or we'll walk by His side in the way; 

What He says we will do;

Where He sends we will go,

Never fear, only trust and obey.

~ John Henry Sammis

	Suggested Resources:

The Cost of Discipleship, by Dietrich Bonhoeffer

The Triumph of John and Betty Stam, by Mrs. Howard Taylor

Don't Waste Your Life, by John Piper 

Absolute Surrender, by Andrew Murray

Imitation of Christ, by Thomas A' Kempis

 A Chance to Die: The Life and Legacy of Amy Carmichael, by Elisabeth Elliot

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